


Happiest Year

by wolvereeves



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Between First Class and Apocalypse, Cancer, I have honestly no idea what to put in tags, M/M, Post-Cuba, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolvereeves/pseuds/wolvereeves
Summary: "When Hank called me, thirteen months ago, I first told him to go fuck himself. Now, I kinda regret it, but at this time, I didn’t want to have anything to do with the X-Men, with the school, and most importantly: I didn’t want to have anything to do with Charles Xavier."Based on the song "Happiest Year", by Jaymes Young
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	Happiest Year

**Author's Note:**

> TW death (yeah obviously), also be indulgent because this is the first time I post a fic in years and english is not my first language so there might be some mistakes but I am way too tired to reread it again, so deal with it I guess

_ I'm really on the ropes this time _ _   
_ _ I've been fighting all my life for you _

When Hank called me, thirteen months ago, I first told him to go fuck himself. Now, I kinda regret it, but at this time, I didn’t want to have anything to do with the X-Men, with the school, and most importantly: I didn’t want to have anything to do with Charles Xavier. Pretty petty from me I know, especially since I am the one who hurt him and did everything wrong, but I was still hurt by what happened in Cuba. And I also did what I thought was the best for him. He lost his legs. He lost Raven’s love, he lost our friends. All because of me.  
That’s why I left America for Poland. To start again far from him. Now that I think about it, it was probably more to run away from my mistakes and my pain instead of facing them and trying to make things better, but I still left. Was it really the right thing to do ? Probably not, but I was pretty sure Charles would be better without me anyway.  
Or at least, that’s what I thought, until one day, while I was working in the factory, my boss came to me to tell me that someone named Franck or something was on the phone, asking for me. I stopped what I was doing, confused as hell. I was suspicious, who could this Franck be ? And who the hell would want to talk to me ? Nobody knew me there.  
Turned out his name wasn’t Franck. I realized it when I heard his voice. Despite his ridiculous accent when speaking German, I recognized the voice of a man I used to call my friend. Hank Mc Coy, Charles’ assistant. A man I didn’t think I’d hear about ever again.

“Screw you, Hank. I don’t want to hear about this part of my past ever again. How did you find me ?”   
“Cerebro. But listen Erik, this is not about me…”

Cerebro. Of course. I mean, how couldn’t I tell ? I was with them when they built this stupid machine. But I didn’t think about it to much, because I realized something was wrong with Hank. His voice was broken, as if he was crying, and I had a very bad feeling. That’s why I listened to him.

“This is about Charles.”

My heart started to ache. The only mention of his name made me feel guilty.

_ I never should have said goodbye _ _   
_ _ But maybe that's what stupid people do _

I left him. I told myself it was better for him, because I made him suffer. But was it really ? To be honest, I missed him. And every day, I told myself how childish I was, to leave him because of all the things I made. Because, in fact, I loved him. I loved his blue eyes, his laugh, his way of thinking everyone’s special, and how he finds the good in every single person he meets. Including me, when I didn’t even think I could be a good person. And despite of this, I flew away. Because I am proud and stupid. Hearing him saying that we didn’t want the same thing in Cuba… My heart still ache when I think about it. It broke something inside of me.

_ 'Cause you gave me peace _ _   
_ _ And I wasted it _

I fell in love with Charles the second I met him. When he saved me, in the water, when killing Shaw obsessed me so much that I even forgot to breathe. I fell in love with him when he put his arms around me, when I was killing myself instead of Shaw. He saved me from the water that day, and he saved me from myself all the days after. He taught me how to be a better person, and how it was to love someone. I used to think I owed him much, but I owe him everything.

_ I'm here to admit _ _   
_ _ That you were my medicine _

“Charles has cancer.”

I will never forget these words. It was like the whole world stopped.  _ Charles has cancer _ . Hank told me Charles asked for me to come back to him. Of course, I did. I couldn’t live with the idea of him being alone fighting this. He helped me before, now it was my turn. I used to think I could save him. I realize now how stupid this idea was. Charles could not be saved. It seems even more real right now, his pale face contorted in pain, his hand in mine. He helped me heal from my past, and I couldn’t do anything for him in return.

_ Oh, I couldn't quit _ _   
_ _ And I'm down on my knees again _

The tears in my eyes can’t be stopped anymore. Charles smiles at me. I could give it all just to see him smile, and he knows it. I fall down on my knees. I wish I could stand still, to show him my support somehow, but I just can’t. We are alone in his room. Outside, the sun is shining in the pale December sky. I hear some birds singing in the trees next to the mansion. I always thought that when someone dies, especially someone as important as Charles, it must be raining. I am somehow glad it doesn’t, because Charles deserve to leave on a peaceful and beautiful day.

_ Asking _ _   
_ _ For nothing _

I squeeze his hand in mine. It’s the end, and we both know it. The end of his life, and the end of the year we spent together.  
I took the first plane to America after the call Hank gave me. I took with me a small suitcase with everything that I had, and left the small house I used to live in, without any regrets. I realized that this place was just my house, and not my home.  
When I arrived in Westchester a day later, Charles was waiting for me in front of the mansion. He seemed to be just a little tired, and nothing in him could tell that he was sick. He smiled at me. I instantly felt guilty. He was in a wheelchair, not because of his disease, but because of _me_. I made him suffer so much.  
If Charles was still mad at me about what happened in Cuba, he didn’t show it. I remember he told me “Welcome back, Erik”, as if he was waiting for me all the time. When I followed him inside, I realized how much I had missed this place. I used to deny it, but the mansion was and always will be my home, unlike my old house in Poland.  
Or maybe the mansion was only Charles’ house, and everywhere was home with Charles. I guess I’ll never know.

_ Don't think I could forgive myself _ _   
_ _ I'm sorry for the ways that I used you _

“I am sorry, Charles.”

He knows that I mean it, because I feel him in my mind. He isn’t supposed to use his powers, because it waste the few energy he has left, but he always does. Old habits.  
Charles smiles at me again.

“I know Erik. And I want you to know…”

He takes a deep breath. My heart breaks every time I see him like this. He is exhausted by only saying a few words.

“I want you to know that I forgive you, Erik. Even if you feel unable to forgive yourself.”

_ And I could care less right now _ _   
_ _ But you know, you hurt me pretty good too _

“And you are not the only one who is guilty.”

I look at him. He lost his hair a few months ago, because of chemo. I remember waking up a morning, with Charles crying next to me. There were so many of his hair on the pillow. I think it’s at this moment that he realized he wouldn’t survive. I personally always knew he wouldn’t, but I kept hope. Every single day.  
It was one of the only times I’ve ever seen him crying. During this year, he has been so strong.

“I am guilty too, Erik.”

He continues speaking and using too many of his last words to apologize. I know what he means. He refused to come with me after Cuba. It broke my heart, but now we are together, and it doesn’t matter anymore. I put a hand on his cheek.

“I know. We both are. But you are forgiven. Always have been, and always will be.”

_ Yeah, we made each other bleed _ _   
_ _ And we tasted it _

He smiles at me. His beautiful smile. We wasted so many years fighting each other. I wish we weren’t young and foolish when we met. I needed him, he needed me, but we kept hurting each other instead of walking hand in hand together. As if we were meant to be enemies, when we were meant to be lovers.

_ I'm here to admit _ _   
_ _ That you were my medicine _

But Charles, my dear Charles, I regret all of it so much. The few months spent with him at the mansion were the most peaceful I have ever known. It was just me and Charles, waking up next to each other, eating together, playing chess together. Hank giving Charles his medicine. Me pushing his wheelchair in the mansion’s garden. Then, we would go to bed. I’d read him a book, and we’d make love. I understand it now, that even if I was here to help him feel better, he was the one who healed me and saved me, once again.

_ Oh, love, I couldn't quit _ _   
_ _ And I'm down on my knees again _

It started to go wrong after five months. One day, Charles didn’t have enough strength to finish our daily walk. He fell asleep on his wheelchair, and both Hank and I knew that it wasn’t good at all. He started chemotherapy a few days after. Then he lost his hair, and two months ago, the diagnosis was here. He wouldn’t make it until christmas.

Charles didn’t seem to be bothered by the news. I knew him too well to believe it, and he told me one night, in my arms, that he just hoped he would at least be able to spend christmas with me. It was his only hope. I remember telling him that as a Jewish, I never ever had a christmas in my entire life.

“I know.” he answered. “I wanted to share your first one, and my last one with you.”

But now, we are December 17, the sun is shining, the park is covered with snow, and we both know that he won’t survive until tomorrow. I squeeze his hand once again, and do my best to not cry.

“Charles, I want to thank you for everything you did. This year we spent together… it was the happiest one I’ve ever had.”

I put my lips on his for the last time.

_ Thank you for the happiest year of my life _

Charles smile. He can’t speak anymore, but I hear him in my head.

_ “I know, Erik. It was the happiest and the most peaceful I’ve ever had too. Thank you, my love.” _

He takes a deep breath. I can’t contain my tears anymore.

_ “I love you.” _

His eyes shut. My voice broken, I answer:

“I love you too.”

I hope he heard me.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so I cried while writing this ngl, also I might do a part 2 with Charles point of view if I am not too lazy


End file.
